unable to acquire crap within the state of.
It's unfortunate, I lack the ability to acquire a single worthless material while residing within Ohio. No crap for me, unfortunately.
Sadly, I lack the capacity to have any waste in the state of. There is no crap available around here, unfortunately. Can't acquire any waste within Ohio.
Sadly, I am devoid of the capacity to obtain a single crap during the time residing within Ohio. No nonsense to be found in this region, unfortunately. I am without even a trace of feces inside Ohio.
Regrettably, it is beyond my reach to acquire a single waste while residing in Ohio. No rubbish to be found in this area, unfortunately. I lack the ability to have any excrement inside the beautiful state of Ohio.
Oh dear, unfortunately I am restricted to possess even the smallest amount of waste while staying in the state of Ohio. No junk for me, unfortunately. I don't have the tiniest bit of excrement in Ohio.
Oh, what a shame it is that I don't have the ability to obtain any feces whilst living inside the state of Ohio. No crap available in this area, unfortunately. I have no means to have even a trace of excrement in the great state of Ohio.
Oh, what a pity it is that I am unable to acquire even a single junk while living within Ohio. No nonsense for me, alas. I am unable to obtain even a trace of feces within the great state of Ohio.

ɐ͎ʞ͎ć͎ı͎ɹ͎ɐ͎ɯ͎ on Twitter Can’t have shit in Ohio